全民笑话

全名笑话是由南昌莫奈科技倾力打造的,旨在为大家带来欢乐。

a?funny?thing

when?i?was?a?freshman?in?our?university,one?day,our?new?teacher?want?us?to?say?sth?about?yourself?then?,a?student?standed?up,?and?said?"i?come?from?shandong?,and?i?want?to?learn?more?when?im?in?university,and?hope?good?,good?study?,day?,day?up.then?our?teacher?said?it?is?chinese?english,?good,good?study?,day?day?up?is?wrong?sentence,then?our?teacher?said?there?are?so?many?people?even?said?"i?will?give?you?color?see?see",how?funny?it?is!!

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Bathroom?troubles

Three?old?men?are?sitting?on?the?porch?of?a?retirement?home.?The?first?says,?"Fellas,?I?got?real?problems.?I‘m?seventy?years?old.?Every?morning?at?seven?o‘clock?I?get?up?and?I?try?to?urinate.?All?day?long?I?try?to?urinate.?They?give?me?all?kinds?of?medicine?but?nothing?helps."? The?second?old?man?says,?"You?think?you?have?problems.?I‘m?eighty?years?old.?Every?morning?at?8:00?I?get?up?and?try?to?move?my?bowels.?I?try?all?day?long.?They?give?me?all?kinds?of?stuff?but?nothing?helps."? Finally?the?third?old?man?speaks?up,?"Fellas:?I‘m?ninety?years?old.?Every?morning?at?7:00?sharp?I?urinate.?Every?morning?at?8:00?I?move?my?bowels.?Every?morning?at?9:00?sharp?I?wake?up."

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Three?very?tough?mice

Three?rats?are?sitting?at?the?bar?talking?bragging?about?their?bravery?and?toughness. The?first?says,?"I‘m?so?tough,?once?I?ate?a?whole?bagful?of?rat?poison!" The?second?says,?"Well?I‘m?so?tough,?once?I?was?caught?in?a?rat?trap?and?I?bit?it?apart!" Then?the?third?rat?gets?up?and?says,?"Later?guys,?I‘m?off?home?to?harass?the?cat."

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苦命的?salesman

苦命的?salesman?An?insect?repellent?salesman?tried?to?sell?his?product?to?a?farmer.?He?said?he?wasn"t?interested?because?he?hadn"t?seen?any?bugs?or?insects?on?his?farm?for?years.?The?salesman?indicated?he?had?a?wife?and?four?kids?and?really?needed?the?money.?The?farmer?still?didn"t?think?he?needed?any?insect?repellent?but?he?felt?sorry?for?the?salesman?and?said,I"m?so?sure?there?aren"t?any?insects?around?here,?if?you"ll?strip?naked,?I"ll?tie?you?to?my?barnyard?fence?for?the?entire?night.?When?morning?comes,?if?you"ve?got?even?one?insect?bite?on?you,?I"ll?buy?every?can?of?repellent?you"ve?got.?The?salesman?was?elated?and?readily?agreed?to?being?tied?up?naked.?That?night,?the?farmer?tied?the?naked?salesman?to?the?barnyard?fence?and?went?to?bed.?Several?times?during?the?night?he?thought?he?heard?the?salesman?moaning?and?groaning.?However,?when?he?went?out?the?next?morning,?the?salesman?didn"t?have?even?one?bite?or?scratch?on?him.?The?farmer?asked,What?was?all?that?moaning?and?groaning?about?last?night?That?was?the?worst?night?of?my?life,?the?salesman?replied,doesn"t?that?damn?calf?have?a?mother?

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China?Jokes

Q:?Did?you?hear?about?the?new?American?Express?Card?they?are?issuing?in?Red?China? A:?You?never?leave?home.

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Hard?of?hearing

Three?retirees,?each?with?a?hearing?loss,?were?taking?a?walk?one?fine?March?day. One?remarked?to?the?other,?"Windy,?ain‘t?it?" "No,"?the?second?man?replied,?"It‘s?Thursday." And?the?third?man?chimed?in,?"So?am?I.?Let‘s?have?a?coke."

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Have?a?first?child

A man?and?his?wife?were?making?their?first?doctor?visit,?the?wife?being?pregnant?with?their?first?child. After?everything?checked?out,?the?doctor?took?a?small?stamp?and?stamped?the?wife‘s?stomach?with?indelible?ink. The?couple?was?curious?about?what?the?stamp?was?for,?so?when?they?got?home,?the?husband?got?out?his?magnifying?glass?to?try?to?see?what?it?was. In?very?tiny?letters,?the?stamp?said,?"When?you?can?read?this,?come?back?and?see?me."

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A?deleted?file

Caller:?"I?deleted?a?file?from?my?PC?last?week?and?I?have?just?realised?that?I?need?it.?If?I?turn?my?system?clock?back?two?weeks?will?I?have?my?file?back?again?".

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Shopping?for?goods

A?woman?meant?to?call?a?record?store?but?dialed?the?wrong?number?and?got?a?private?home?instead.? "Do?you?have?‘Eyes?of?Blue‘?and?‘A?Love?Supreme‘?"?she?asked.? "Well,?no,"?answered?the?puzzled?homeowner.?"But?I?have?a?wife?and?eleven?children."? "Is?that?a?record?"?she?inquired.? "I?don‘t?think?so,"?replied?the?man,?"but?it‘s?as?close?as?I?want?to?get."

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How?old?are?you?

A?woman?walked?up?to?a?little?old?man?rocking?in?a?chair?on?his?porch.? "I?couldn‘t?help?noticing?how?happy?you?look,"?she?said.?"What‘s?your?secret?for?a?long?happy?life?"? "I?smoke?three?packs?of?cigarettes?a?day,"?he?said.?"I?also?drink?a?case?of?whiskey?a?week,?eat?fatty?foods,?and?never?exercise."? "That‘s?amazing,"?the?woman?said.?"How?old?are?you?‘? "Twenty-six,"?he?said.

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Delivering?a?baby

A?country?doctor?went?way?out?to?the?boondocks?to?deliver?a?baby. It?was?so?far?out,?there?was?no?electricity.?When?the?doctor?arrived,?no?one?was?home?except?for?the?laboring?mother?and?her?5-year-old?child.?The?doctor?instructed?the?child?to?hold?a?lantern?high?so?he?could?see,?while?he?helped?the?woman?deliver?the?baby. The?child?did?so,?the?mother?pushed?and?after?a?little?while,?the?doctor?lifted?the?newborn?baby?by?the?feet?and?spanked?him?on?the?bottom?to?get?him?to?take?his?first?breath. The?doctor?then?asked?the?5-year-old?what?he?thought?of?the?baby. "Hit?him?again,"?the?5-year-old?said.?"He?shouldn‘t?have?crawled?up?there?in?the?first?place!"

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And?what?if?I?swallow?it

A?man?enters?a?barber?shop?for?a?shave.? While?the?barber?is?foaming?him?up,?he?mentions?the?problem?he?has?getting?a?close?shave?around?his?cheeks.? "I?have?just?the?thing,"?says?the?barber,?taking?a?small?wooden?ball?from?a?nearby?drawer.?"Just?place?this?between?your?cheek?and?gum."? The?client?places?the?ball?in?his?mouth?and?proceeds?with?the?closest?shave?he?has?ever?experienced.? After?a?few?strokes,?the?client?asks?in?garbled?speech,?"And?what?if?I?swallow?it?"? "No?problem"?says?the?barber.?"Just?bring?it?back?tomorrow,?like?everyone?else?does!"

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神父,他有AIDS

One?girl?went?to?the?preacher?and?confessed?her?sin. 有个女孩向神父告解她所犯的罪……… Girl:?Father,?I?have?sinned. 女孩:神父,我有罪。 Preacher:?What?did?you?do,?little?girl? 神父:孩子,你犯了什麽罪呢? Girl:?Yesterday,?I?called?a?man?a?"son?of?a?Bitch." 女孩:昨天,我骂了某个男人一句:「你这个狗娘养的9 Preacher:?Why??What?did?he?do?to?you? 神父:为什麽?他对你做了什麽吗? Girl:?He?touched?my?breast. 女孩:他……他摸我的胸部。 Preacher:?You?mean?like?this??(The?guy?did?it.) 神父:你是说像这样子吗?(神父伸手摸女孩的胸部) Girl:?(A?little?shy?from?the?touch)?Yes. 女孩:(因为神父的举动而有一些害羞)嗯……是的。 Preacher:?That?s?no?reason?to?call?him?that. 神父:只是这样子的话你没有理由骂他埃 Girl:?But?he?also?took?off?my?cloth. 女孩:但是……他又把我的衣服脱掉…… Preacher:?You?mean?like?this??(He?did?it?again.) 神父:你是说像这样子吗?(神父动手脱掉女孩的衣服) Girl:?Yes,?that?s?what?he?did. 女孩:是的,是这样子没错。 Preacher:?That?s?still?no?reason?to?call?him?that. 神父:可是这样子你还是没有理由骂他埃 Girl:?And?he?put?his?you-know-what?into?my?you-know-what... 女孩:然後……他把他的……那个……放到我的……那个……里面…… Preacher:?(evil?laugh...)?You?mean?like?this??(And?you-know-what) 神父:(奸笑貌)你是说像这样子吗?(神父和女孩就那个那个了) Girl:?(After?a?few?minutes...)?Ugh...?Yeah,?that?s?what?he?did... 女孩:(数分钟後)喔……是的……就是这样子……… Preacher:?My?dear?girl,?that?s?still?no?reason?to?call?him?a... 神父:我亲爱的孩子,就算是这样你还是没有理由骂他「你这个………」 Girl:?But?he?had?AIDS!! 女孩:但是他有?AIDS?呀!! Preacher:?THAT?SON?OF?A?BITCH!!! 神父:那个狗娘养的!!!

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Change

A?professor?was?giving?a?big?test?one?day?to?his?students.?He?handed?out?all?of?the?tests?and?went?back?to?his?desk?to?wait.? Once?the?test?was?over?the?students?all?handed?the?tests?back?in.?The?professor?noticed?that?one?of?the?students?had?attached?a?$100?bill?to?his?test?with?a?note?saying?"A?dollar?per?point."? In?the?next?class?the?professor?handed?the?tests?back?out.?This?student?got?back?his?test?and?$64?change.

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France?Jokes

Q: Did?you?hear?about?the?Frenchman?who?jumped?into?the?river?in?paris?? A:?He?was?declared?to?be?in?Seine.? ------------------------------------------------------------ Fred?was?saying?his?prayers?as?his?father?passed?by?his?bedroom?door.?"God?bless?Mommy,?and?God?bless?Daddy,?and?please?make?Calais?the?capital?of?France."?"Fred,"?said?his?father,?"why?do?you?want?Calais?to?be?the?capital?of?France?"?"Because?that‘s?what?I?wrote?in?my?geography?test!"? -------------------------------------------------------------- What?is?the?Guillotine?? A?French?chopping?centre.? ------------------------------------------------------------- Which?ghost?was?president?of?France?? Charles?de?Ghoul.? --------------------------------------------------------------- First?witch:?I‘m?going?to?France?tomorrow.? Second?witch:?Are?you?going?by?broom?? First?witch:?No,?by?hoovercraft.

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the?thinnest?book

What?is?the?thinnest?book?in?the?world??"What?men?know?about?women."

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Perfect?Penis

????There?is?a?little?boy?and?a?little?girl?in?the?woods.??The?little girl?asked?the?boy,?"What?is?a?penis?" The?boy?replied,?"I?don`t?know."??At?that?time?he?hears?his?mom calling?him?for?lunch.??He?goes?home?and?eats?his?lunch.??Then?he sees?his?dad?on?the?couch. He?goes?up?to?his?dad?and?ask?him,?"What?is?a?penis?" The?dad?whips?his?out?and?says?to?the?boy,?"This?is?a?penis,?as?a matter?of?fact?this?is?the?perfect?penis." The?boy?leaves?to?go?find?his?friend?and?brings?her?to?the?woods. The?girl?again?asks?him?what?a?penis?is.?He?whips?out?his?penis and?says?to?her,?"This?is?a?penis,?and?if??it?was?two?inches smaller?it?would?be?the?perfect?penis!"

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He?told?me?to?see?you

Doctor:?And?whom?did?you?consult?about?your?illness?before?you?came?to?me? Patient:?Only?the?druggist?down?at?the?corner. Doctor:?And?what?sort?of?ridiculous?advice?did?he?gave?you? Patient:?He?told?me?to?see?you!?

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Jokes?About?Death

OLD?TEACHERS?never?die,?they?just?lose?their?class OLD?TELEpHONES?never?die,?they?just?stop?ringing OLD?THERMODYNAMICISTS?never?die,?they?just?achieve?their?state?--?of?maximum?entropy OLD?TIRE?TUBES?never?die,?they?just?get?punctured OLD?TRASH?never?dies,?they?just?bury?it OLD?TRIGONOMETRY?TEACHERS?never?die,?they?just?lose?their?identities OLD?TROMBONISTS?never?die?-?they?just?slide?away... OLD?TRUCK?DRIVERS?never?die;?they?just?get?a?new?peterbilt OLD?TV?SHOWS?never?die,?they?just?get?rerun?on?Nickelodeon OLD?TV?SOAp?STARS?never?die,?they?become?pathetic OLD?GOAL?UMpIRES?never?die,?they?just?get?flagged?down?--?umpires?as?in?Australian?Rules?Football OLD?USENETTERS?never?die,?they?just?become?unresponsive OLD?VACATIONERS?never?die,?they?just?don‘t?come?back OLD?VIOLINISTS?never?die?-?they?just?become?unstrung. OLD?VOICEMAIL?SYSTEMS?never?die,?they?just?stop?answering

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A?special?football?match

Mike?was?late?for?school.?He?said?to?his?teacher,?Mr.?Brack,?"Excuse?me?for?my?coming?late,?sir.?I?watched?a?football?match?in?my?dream." "Why?did?it?make?you?late?"?inquired?the?teacher. "Because?neither?team?could?win?the?game,?so?it?lasted?a?long?time."?replied?Mike.

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